And I emphasize Western Civilization because nobody gives a shit about the east. Nobody ever has, and nobody ever will. Deductively, here are ten films that everybody gives a shit about — and if they don't, then they eventually will under a Bryan regime's strict emphasis on classic filmmaking:
1. Flash Gordon (1980) Sam J. Jones plays the eponymous star Quarterback of the New York Jets who has only 24 hours to save the Earth from a bunch of invading aliens. Holy shit! Unfortunately, if salvation ever came down to Brett Favre, then we'd be effectively screwed. On second thought, let's keep it at just plain screwed; Favre is never effective.
2. Missing in Action 2: The Beginning (1985) Story of one man's struggle in a hellish Vietnamese POW camp as he withstands faux executions, opium overdoses, and vicious hits to the abdomen only to wreak holy hell on his captors with the megafart.
Not to be confused with the harrowing captivity of the late Admiral James Stockdale, with whom Braddock's experience bears a remarkable resemblance. . . or so I've read.
3. Rambo 3 (1988) Ah, the 80's. Reagan was in charge, so were the 49ers, and the Soviets were bombing the hell out of Afghanistan — and it's up to Rambo to kick the crap out of those vulgar commies for killing Apollo Creed. He's coaxed out of his rugged life in a fairly isolated Buddhist monastery, one of his pacifist preoccupations when he's not too busy cracking some backalley brawler skull for money, to rescue his former commanding officer and bring an end to the Cold War in the most violent and considerably entertaining way possible. You should not be surprised that more people die in this film than in the American Revolutionary and Civil Wars combined.
4. Escape from New York (1981) Has Kurt Russell, and anything that has him in the lead role is bound to be good. Basically, he plays a disenchanted war veteran who goes into a post-apocalyptic New York to waste criminals and save the President until he finds out that the President is sort of a criminal himself. Contemporary movies can learn from such plot coherency.
5. Blackhawk Down (2002) Requires some fast forwarding — though not Jarhead-like fast forwarding, which would entail fast-forwarding through the entire thing because all of it sucked — through the shitty barracks scene, but you'll get no argument from me otherwise; lots of people being killed, fried, maimed, and every other -ed in the book to keep your bloodthirst quenched until rapture.
6. The Punisher (1989) Dolph Lundgren fits the role of Frank Castle because his limited repertoire of facial expressions, in addition to his sheer badassery in real life, complements his virtuosic potrayal of Marvel's emotionally devoid, gun-toting vigilante. A small step for man, but an even larger one for method acting in general. What's method acting? Hell if I know, but I do know that Ivan Drago kicks ass and takes names in this late 80's action classic.
7. Death Wish 3 (1985) Score another one for Golan-Globus productions. In the most captivating performance of his illustrious career, Charles Bronson returns to a London posing for New York City to find his war buddy dead and another (Martin Balsam) under constant threat by a gang of lollygagging hoodlums. Fortunately, Bronson takes the proactive approach by wasting every single one of them on the spot. And yes, I mean every single one; he even kills them twice because, hey, the only good thug is a dead thug, but only when you've made sure. As you can see, veteran character actor Ed Lauter later joins the fray by taking out that little wuss from Bill and Ted's Ultimate Adventure. (I know. A shame that he couldn't take out the other.)
Man, Death Wish 3 had everything — except a vampire, but it still had everything because vampires don't count.
8. Zulu (1964) I don't know why everyone likes Crash. Fuck Crash. Who needs to confront glaring social issues when you're surrounded by thousands of bloodthirsty Zulu warriors who just devoured a legion of your army buddies? Nobody. Fortunately, the British did the next best thing and shot their way out, despite being surrounded 30:1 at the depicted Battle of Rorke's Drift, thus handing the Zulu a dreaded case of the blue balls in the process. From what I gather, the Zulu's collective nervous system never recovered. An absolutely great film from start to finish.
9. Road House (1988) Excuse my candor, but this movie really caught on because its protagonist (Patrick Swayze), like me, is a professional ass-kicker by trade. When he's hired to lay down the law in the eponymous setting, awesomeness invariably ensues. I give it five stars and fifty billion more for the sheer manliness and an important supporting role by Sam Elliott, who plays Swayze's tough, gritty bouncing mentor.
10. We Were Soldiers (2003) Sam Elliott strikes again, diversifying his acting portfolio by playing the Seventh Cavalry's tough, gritty Sergeant Major.
Elliott's brilliant performance notwithstanding, keen usage of the fast-forwarding button and a few lengthy bathroom breaks help here. We Were Soldiers is a good war film has more than enough killing on both sides to satisfy even the most bloodthirsty and contrived monster, whom I refer to as Weweresoldor, but not enough to reconcile his urges with the shitty domestic scenes. I mean, you can't help but think that it could've used Count Vlad somewhere to wean you through and at least keep everything in line with the action. It's like you wait for it for awhile, but like the kid who wanted an Xbox 360 for Christmas, you never get it. Weak.
