Ten of the greatest films that western civilization has ever made

And I emphasize Western Civilization because nobody gives a shit about the east. Nobody ever has, and nobody ever will. Deductively, here are ten films that everybody gives a shit about — and if they don't, then they eventually will under a Bryan regime's strict emphasis on classic filmmaking:

1. Flash Gordon (1980) Sam J. Jones plays the eponymous star Quarterback of the New York Jets who has only 24 hours to save the Earth from a bunch of invading aliens. Holy shit! Unfortunately, if salvation ever came down to Brett Favre, then we'd be effectively screwed. On second thought, let's keep it at just plain screwed; Favre is never effective.

2. Missing in Action 2: The Beginning (1985) Story of one man's struggle in a hellish Vietnamese POW camp as he withstands faux executions, opium overdoses, and vicious hits to the abdomen only to wreak holy hell on his captors with the megafart.

Not to be confused with the harrowing captivity of the late Admiral James Stockdale, with whom Braddock's experience bears a remarkable resemblance. . . or so I've read.

3. Rambo 3 (1988) Ah, the 80's. Reagan was in charge, so were the 49ers, and the Soviets were bombing the hell out of Afghanistan — and it's up to Rambo to kick the crap out of those vulgar commies for killing Apollo Creed. He's coaxed out of his rugged life in a fairly isolated Buddhist monastery, one of his pacifist preoccupations when he's not too busy cracking some backalley brawler skull for money, to rescue his former commanding officer and bring an end to the Cold War in the most violent and considerably entertaining way possible. You should not be surprised that more people die in this film than in the American Revolutionary and Civil Wars combined.

4. Escape from New York (1981) Has Kurt Russell, and anything that has him in the lead role is bound to be good. Basically, he plays a disenchanted war veteran who goes into a post-apocalyptic New York to waste criminals and save the President until he finds out that the President is sort of a criminal himself. Contemporary movies can learn from such plot coherency.

5. Blackhawk Down (2002) Requires some fast forwarding — though not Jarhead-like fast forwarding, which would entail fast-forwarding through the entire thing because all of it sucked — through the shitty barracks scene, but you'll get no argument from me otherwise; lots of people being killed, fried, maimed, and every other -ed in the book to keep your bloodthirst quenched until rapture.

6. The Punisher (1989) Dolph Lundgren fits the role of Frank Castle because his limited repertoire of facial expressions, in addition to his sheer badassery in real life, complements his virtuosic potrayal of Marvel's emotionally devoid, gun-toting vigilante. A small step for man, but an even larger one for method acting in general. What's method acting? Hell if I know, but I do know that Ivan Drago kicks ass and takes names in this late 80's action classic.

7. Death Wish 3 (1985) Score another one for Golan-Globus productions. In the most captivating performance of his illustrious career, Charles Bronson returns to a London posing for New York City to find his war buddy dead and another (Martin Balsam) under constant threat by a gang of lollygagging hoodlums. Fortunately, Bronson takes the proactive approach by wasting every single one of them on the spot. And yes, I mean every single one; he even kills them twice because, hey, the only good thug is a dead thug, but only when you've made sure. As you can see, veteran character actor Ed Lauter later joins the fray by taking out that little wuss from Bill and Ted's Ultimate Adventure. (I know. A shame that he couldn't take out the other.)

Man, Death Wish 3 had everything — except a vampire, but it still had everything because vampires don't count.

8. Zulu (1964) I don't know why everyone likes Crash. Fuck Crash. Who needs to confront glaring social issues when you're surrounded by thousands of bloodthirsty Zulu warriors who just devoured a legion of your army buddies? Nobody. Fortunately, the British did the next best thing and shot their way out, despite being surrounded 30:1 at the depicted Battle of Rorke's Drift, thus handing the Zulu a dreaded case of the blue balls in the process. From what I gather, the Zulu's collective nervous system never recovered. An absolutely great film from start to finish.

9. Road House (1988) Excuse my candor, but this movie really caught on because its protagonist (Patrick Swayze), like me, is a professional ass-kicker by trade. When he's hired to lay down the law in the eponymous setting, awesomeness invariably ensues. I give it five stars and fifty billion more for the sheer manliness and an important supporting role by Sam Elliott, who plays Swayze's tough, gritty bouncing mentor.

10. We Were Soldiers (2003) Sam Elliott strikes again, diversifying his acting portfolio by playing the Seventh Cavalry's tough, gritty Sergeant Major.

Elliott's brilliant performance notwithstanding, keen usage of the fast-forwarding button and a few lengthy bathroom breaks help here. We Were Soldiers is a good war film has more than enough killing on both sides to satisfy even the most bloodthirsty and contrived monster, whom I refer to as Weweresoldor, but not enough to reconcile his urges with the shitty domestic scenes. I mean, you can't help but think that it could've used Count Vlad somewhere to wean you through and at least keep everything in line with the action. It's like you wait for it for awhile, but like the kid who wanted an Xbox 360 for Christmas, you never get it. Weak.

I can do that, too.

Says a recent Notre Dame commit:

“I’m the best there is, best there was, best there ever will be,” the soon-to-be Notre Dame defensive tackle said. “It doesn’t matter what game. NCAA Football 09? I’m one of the top five in the nation. Give me any team, and I can make them good. I can make Notre Dame the national champion in that game.”

No shit. It's called "Edit Rosters," Sherlock. You know who else I can easily turn into a national title contender? Syracuse. Of course, it's not like I'd need to anyway. They beat Notre Dame, and Notre Dame's like the second best team in the country — with everyone else tied for first, of course.

Six sports teams that should be created (or will be under a Bryan regime)

As interesting as Madden's "Create-A-Team" feature is, I always wanted to take my desire for owning a professional franchise further, preferably without being Mark Cuban's eventual cellmate in the process. The following is a list of teams that should be created or eventually will be under a Bryan regime:

1. The Knights of Anyone but Norv Turner

Level 75 anti-Norv Turner Paladin with end game armor and accompanying non-photoshopped thirteenth century man servants

The way I see it, the Knights wouldn't just be a football team. They would be part of an all-encompassing, massive organization dedicated towards the preservation of comparatively tolerable football. God wills it!

Whether this comes to fruition or not, can we just all agree that Norv Turner should be barred from any professional head coaching gigs? The guy may be a decent offensive coordinator, but he's been the equivalent of a league-sanctioned death sentence as a head coach. Avoid him like the plague and fire your General Manager for good measure. Hell, send him an e-mail or two just to be on the safe side.

2. Auburn Let's Just Throw Shit at the Wall and Hope it Sticks.

Hiring former Texas defensive coordinator and failed Iowa State coach Gene Chizik could backfire for the embattled Tigers, especially given the plethora of considerably more qualified candidates. On the bright side for Auburn fans, it could be worse. See #5.

3. The Cleveland is Just Another Word for "We Monumentally Suck."


Where should I begin with this? Their professional football team sucks; their (Correction: "the") college football team couldn't beat anyone relevant if their lives depended on it; and their baseball team may have been a game away from taking the league championship in 2007, but that was two seasons ago and nobody cares. Baseball is boring and stupid. No, I don't care whether you think Fred Merkle should be denied admission into the Hall of Fame because of a baserunning error or not. Go get laid. Christ.

4. Daly City Fighting Filipinas

Official Team Logo

This would be a major coup in the world of subconciously racist sports team names. Most Filipino women are one realization of a glaring carciature on top of another, what with their disposition of being as vocally jumpy as Jawas; having the same rapid, indiscernable pronunciation of a bunch of Ewoks; and possessing the convex facial features of former Packers defensive lineman Gilbert Brown. It's only a matter of time before some bright eyed NFL executive bilis implements this plan and compiles a list of the team's fitting expansion draftees soon thereafter:

Warren Sapp Stalwart defensive lineman whose cheeks are pretty much a win-win for the FF. Recorded 96 sacks in an illustrious career which also included a Super Bowl victory and a second place finish on Dancing with the Stars. Agility +1. (Not to be confused with Albert, Fat.)

Tony Siragusa Like Sapp, a prolific defensive lineman whose cheeks are a dead giveaway. Retired after a Super Bowl victory with the Baltimore Ravens in 2001, finishing with 22 sacks in over 120 played games. Now an analyst and sideline reporter who spends his Sundays dissecting football tactics and regaling millions with his cherished memories of touring with Billy Ray Cyrus.

And finally, Herve "The Ghost" Villechaize Underappreciated tailback whose diminutive size makes hiding behind his offensive line a small task...literally. You could probably stuff him in an arcade machine and he'd be able to operate it like those midgets inside the Jabba prop who got to hog themselves some Carrie Fisher ass by proxy (lucky bastards). That's assuming that Herve's alive, which he's not.

If he were, then he'd line up in the Wildcat formation and before everyone knew it, BAM! Six points, a championship, and a shotgun to the other team's mouth.

5. Notre Dame Prison Lifers


If you can't do the time, then don't commit the crime of hiring a glorified offensive coordinator who can't develop his players or coach to save his overstretched collar. And for the love of God, don't give him a ten year contract extension just because he managed to ascend the stairs without pausing for a bucket of fried chicken (the portly one has devoured staffers for ordering flame grilled); that's pretty much the equivalent of the death penalty for spitting on the sidewalk and landing next to a morbidly obese serial rapist on death row. Don't drop the soap!

The cards indicate that you're not doomed to shitty football, though it wouldn't feel like it if you can at least make one good decision every once in awhile. And don't regale me with your stories about Tony Rice and Michael Stonebreaker. Both are dead as far as contemporary college football is concerned and Lou Holtz is old and senile. At least that's enough to dull the pain from being verbally cockslapped by Mark May on a daily basis.

6. San Francisco Lets make our Sports Team an Outlet for our Latent Wuss Agenda

I remember the days when they could sling the rock and draft players who didn't have small, girlish hands. Football teams are supposed to be inoculated from their hostile surroundings. Clearly, San Francisco fails in this regard.


I don't have a sociopolitical axe to grind, but something's wrong when a team that won five Super Bowls — it probably would've been more if it weren't for those nancy boys in Green Bay and Dallas — within a thirteen year run hasn't gotten a new stadium while the Yorks make one bad decision after another and Mayor Gavin Newsom goes around yearning for universal health care. It's time to get your priorities straight, Mayor. For all we know, people probably die in the stands because of their sheer indifference about anything. I mean, have you seen their football team lately? 

Put me down for an apathetic "meh" and an autopsy when they invariably screw up their next first round draft choice.

Everything sucks except for when compared to Fallout 3

Honestly, I can't think of a better game I've played this year. Grand Theft Auto IV was pretty good, but something was missing; Warhammer Online got boring and repetitive after awhile (there were too many good players like Kardek and Illidar on Sylvania Server, whose eliteness is unsurprising when you consider their meticulous, stalwart dedication towards their other weekend activities); and, quite honestly, I played Fable II expecting this:

Instead, I ended up with this:

Fable II, there were some things I liked about you and others that I didn't, but let's just be friends. Ok?

By contrast, Fallout 3 lives up to its gynormous expectations and then some. The first parts of the game are a fairly cinematic cocktease until everything erupts in one gynormous, perpetual orgasm in a post-apocalyptic future, littering your midsection and shaming your conscience while you kill people, oversized cockroaches, super mutants, and everything in between. There are few things in life that can lay claim to being better than this. On second thought, there aren't. There are several times that honestly shit myself while playing this game, and for the life of me, I don't think too many games can lay claim to inducing such a gooey reaction. Think of Fallout as the burrito and the residual hours of fun as its gooey byproduct. Think of Fallout as the burrito and the residual hours of fun as its gooey byproduct.

Anyway, for anyone else who wants to lose a pair of underwear, one way or the other, I recommend getting Fallout 3 immediately. I mean, right now.

Just go.