Why everyone likes this film perplexes me because A) I never understood it and B) I never came across anyone who did. I reasonably assumed that everyone was afflicted with muscular dystrophy and had to endure this insufferable scourge, but the fact that I'm not doing a catatonic Louise Glover completely invalidates my point. I mean, I don't get it. Is it supposed to be some sort of coming of age film? Because if it is, then that's for queer teenage dramas starring that queer, Zac Efron. We're talking about a war film, or something that tries to be like one by lacing itself with superficial soldier jargon and boorish one-liners, either of which would've been mildly tolerable if the fighting scenes didn't suck so much. That the characters spend more than an hour brazenly firing into thin air almost makes you forget who the hell we were fighting.
Who needs substance and transition when you can watch me save the world from those dangerous hydrofluorocarbons!?In addition to actually having a tangible plot as opposed to an inkblot of an intoxicated echidna — or a cheese sandwich — filmmakers need to stick to the violent and gritty formulas that made Blackhawk Down, Saving Private Ryan, and Rambo so successful. All three films are entertaining and practical; they don't try to scrape the bottom of war's root causes because nobody gives a shit, which is fitting since I've never heard of too many soldiers who've wandered into sniper-infested cities torn over abstract concepts like relativism and the "duality of man." (They're apparently too busy, you know, fighting for their fellow man or something like that, not that certain filmmakers would know.) Finally, neither film talks down to its viewers with some condescending, pseudo-holistic approach of warfare intended to "replicate" the confusion of being a soldier; such would invariably involve some boring, three-hour barracks scene filled with inflated high school cheerleader lore and fifty billion masturbation innuendos. Way to rub me the wrong way while I try to tie up the loose ends with Jennifer, Kubrick.
We need those movies because everything else just plain sucks, like those porn sites that demand SexKeys to justify their lesser porno, which, if you're savvy, you can effectively access on a site that doesn't need a SexKey. In the same vein, you're better off tuning to Uncommon Valor or Hamburger Hill unless you want to be treated to a preview that looks and sounds good when you see the thumbnail, but ruins everything with its bad dialogue, dildo-licking (I don't think Full Metal Jacket had any, but I'm going to err on the side of caution), and extraneously lengthy setup. Whoever made it is or was a fucking tasteless hedonist. And whoever likes it is probably bad in bed.
